Look to the left. If you see a three-headed monkey you're in a graphic adventure game and must be very quiet. If you don't see the monkey then proceed to your left until you reach a hedgerow. If you don't reach a hedgerow, then you have been abducted into a deep space scenario and must tread very carefully in case of the deathly dull Vogons. If you reach the hedge unscathed then congratulations, there is now a marginal chance you are in fact safe.
The hedge has a number of stiles which allow you access to the far side. Follow the hedge in either direction until you reach such a stile and then cross. If you face a river then whistle sharply and jump on one leg, until help arrives. If you face a shallow incline either upwards or downwards then caution is advised. Watch out for toads in motor cars and crashing space rockets as you advance slowly. Be not afraid of darkness as at least you will then be safe from the carnivorous stinkers and will be escorted by chimney sweeps. If is still daylight, however, you must take your chances.
Reaching the end of the incline you will find a giant living chess board. Take a seat as black and play the game to the end. Either victory or defeat is fine but stalemate means death by Tolstoy. If Tolstoy is unavailable then death by Hugo will suffice.
Proceeding beyond the chess board, if you are so lucky, there will be seen several mountains in the distance. Certain and inevitable safety is at hand before you unless, unless, a conical carrot is seen hanging from a tree. In that case, run like blazes, for the gloomy donkey is a sight impossible to resist.
Oliver.
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