Spikes is the mutant cactus currently spectating from the back of the garden. On occasion he jumps forward and tries to get into the kitchen and raid the fridge but we've developed a security system to counter him, which involves tripwires and several low-intensity lasers. Why would we want to hurt Spikes? He's been really nice on several occasions and even drives away the beastly dogs next door!
When Spikes first arrived we were confused and a little perplexed at how an ambulatory cactus monster could have arrived in our garden in South Wales, in the midst of an icy winter, and why he (we use 'he') would stay. As it turns out Spikes is an exile from Bristol Arboretum and we could nothing else about his... peculiarities. I guess it might be something to do with Clomp von Clomp but the little blue menace is remaining silent.
Spikes seems to like the greenhouse, which is understandable, but he also likes the dried up pond feature and lurks behind a bush when feeling modest. He's a nice cactus and he is very hard to anger. When the little dogs breach our boundaries he stands fully upright and plants himself firmly in the ground. His points bristle and the dogs jerk to stillness akin to statues. If they don't bolt, Spikes flexes his forks and leans forward in his most fearsome manner and then the little dogs race away.
In the winter, and indeed it is winter now, Spikes gets a bit brittle and hides in the deeper recesses of the garden or in the greenhouse. Sometimes our dog Tess gets uppity and barks but she seems to have a soft spot for the gangly succulent. When first he moved in to the garden, before we tried the exorcism or called in MUTT labs, she used to run away at his slightest approach but now she'll happily lounge in his shadow. The day that Spikes arrived was in early spring a small number of years ago. My sister had recently moved out and I was staring vacantly out of the kitchen window into the back garden. After an eternity of false nostalgia I returned to myself and realised a strange figure covered in canvas bags was shuffling behind the shed. Extracting a rusty putter from the wardrobe I quietly shuffled up the garden in my slippers and whooped in an attempt to scare off the figure. It went very very still.
Brandishing the putter I warned off the canvassed figure but nothing happened. Then I poked it and still nothing happened although I noticed it was very solid. Finally I lifted a bit of canvas with the metal part of the club. There was green beneath. Spikey green. I lifted it more. And more. Apparently we had acquired a cactus? Yes, Spikes had arrived, and right now he's doing a little dance as I type.
What a dopey mutant cactus he is.
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