An Appeal

(Part I)

Amongst all the biscuits there is one that commands respect and wields fear like a sharpened weapon of war. Before it there can be no restraint and there is no defence, unless it's Morrisons own brand. This is a warning for you all to be cautious, and if you should still happen to see a packet of plain chocolate digestives move elsewhere as quickly as possible. This is no false warning.

The plain chocolate digestive is a deceptively simple object, being as it is the humble digestive biscuit with a topping of plain dark chocolate. You would think that it was harmless, unless taken excessively, and indeed it should be but it has powers that extend beyond the addictive food substances contained therein. For instance, there is the case of Randall Sponger, who was last seen in the environs of Milton Keynes town centre last May. Pleas for assistance from his family and the unresolved nature of the case brought it to BBC Crimewatch's attention and several witnesses claim to have seen him buying two packets of digestives and an orange before ambling out into the dark to be seen never thereafter. Or consider Wanda McGilivray, who vanished on a cross-channel ferry to Calais, and whose last words were 'No, never the milk chocolate.'

There are score of disappearances and deaths that go unsolved every month, all linked by plain chocolate digestives and digital wrist watches. Dozens of people are left in anguish and only the biscuit makers make any allowances for their welfare. As a result of this we would like to ask you, the humble biscuit buying public, to support us in our quest to solve the Mystery of the Plain Chocolate Digestive. If we act quickly enough we can stop people like James Crankle from appearing one day, stone cold knurd and amnesiac in Hyde Park wearing a plain chocolate digestive wrapper hat.

Thank you for any information you can provide. And be careful out there. Vigilance is the key.

The Plain Chocolate Digestive Detective.