Bizarre Anecdotes

One: Once I was being chased by a Giant Cheese named Walter. Walter was angry at the horrible treatment of Giant Cheeses by society at large and searching for vengeance via the only method known to it: Mad capricious violence. Parenthetically, I will never go for a holiday in the realm of Giant Cheeselandia again, if only because the food is terrible. I only escaped Walter in the final circumstance by rolling under a brace of giraffes and then swimming the Baltic.

Two: Sitting in the cinema once, I was accosted by three older gentlemen with a shopping cart. Apparently they had bought the cinema ten minutes before, with very suspicious grey-market funding, and had begun to pillage the screening room for the nicest furniture and accessories. Unfortunately, the Mackintosh and Splott Act of 1944 had never been repealed so I spent two years as property before being released back into the general population. If only I had been still seating in my seat and not the aisle!

Three: The Blonde Menace at the Arts Centre Cafe is surely adorable. I suspect, however, that she's part of a cabal to overtake the World and spread cake and salad in victorious fashion across all the non-cake eating World! Some times I see her staring at the cakes with an inscrutable expression but somehow still with a nefarious look in her eye. It's possible that she might even have perfected that long-improbable Cake Ram which eluded the French for so long during the Napoleonic Wars and inadvertently led to the television program 'Sharky and George', which was inspired by the reaction of a local marine population after the final prototype was dumped into their local waters.

Four: It was an unfortunate day when my path connected with famous novelist Arch Shpack. The great man had just lost his wife, in the department store and not to death, and he was capering down the aisles with glee at the release from forceless browsing. Sadly his capering was to be his undoing as it led to a head-on collision with my trolley full of catalogues en route to the main entrance. The collision spun him around and forced him to the edge of the escalator, which he promptly slid down in a perfect imitation of a black and white comedy disaster. Shpack took it badly, especially his wife's laughter, and the famed author of 'The Olive of Hateful Vengeance' and 'The Harbinging Neighbours of the Apocalypse' fell apart completely. His only remaining bestseller would be 'Fluffy and the Mad Adventure'. He never ate jelly again.

O.