The last day of work is here, and suddenly 'diminishing consequences' becomes 'no consequences'. Anything could be done, with only the tangential and cloudy options of possible returns in the future to think about! Potentials can be safely neglected! So, what are the things to do, and not do, for people on their last days at work?
One: Have you ever wondered what of the mysterious buttons and switches positioned all over your place of work do? Or what is behind the door marked 'Dubious Supplies and Personnel'? Well, now you can open the door, secure in the confidence that they'd sooner just have you leave a few hours early than file the paperwork! And if you have a pipe with a wheel attached? Well, it's 'Joe Versus The Volcano' time, no doubt.
Two: That person that you don't like, you know the one, is no longer quite as safe as they were. While violence and abuse is still utterly unacceptable, the potential for pranks has now expanded to the brink of madness. But beware, for you are now a prime target yourself. Watch out for tripwires, buckets full of whitewash, and explosive banana peels in addition to planning your own. You must get in first, and early, and then run for the hills! So, come prepared with some lobsters, a helper called Boris, and all the blu-tak you can find. It's going to be interesting!
Three: Paperwork is the bane of everyone's lives. Today is the day to shred everything you possibly can and then use it to makes bird bedding. Enough said. Or use it for ironic confetti at some point in the future. Is there an acceptable use of confetti apart from weddings?
Four: Starting a rooftop garden in your soon-to-be-former supervisor or department head's office by removing the walls and or ceiling is not advised. You need specialist existence for projects on this level.
Five: You must do no work. No other option or action is allowed in this instance. Write a redundant blog entry if you have to. Spend the whole day in the tea room. Read 'Doctor Who' rumours, or think about 'Star Trek' or the books you've been reading in the evening. Puzzles are a good option too. I've been stuck on a particularly tough kakuro for about a week now. It may never end. Send help.
Six: Finally, bring a cake and say goodbye to the people if you're a nice person. Or, if you're a hermit like myself, pop in on a couple of people and then nip out the back door quietly without anyone noticing. A full set of camouflage gear is required for the full clean escape, and a giant zeppelin for use as a decoy is not a bad idea in the more extreme cases. In fact, a zeppelin is recommended for use as a decoy even when not in the dying minutes of a contract. Or even just for travel around town...
Zeppelins, ahoy! A new career lies ahead in zeppelin driving! (Actually zeppelins are marking a bit of a comeback for freight. Look it up.)
O.
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