Wednesday 17 June 2015

There Shall Be Hotels

All I know so far about the final part of 'Oneiromancy' is that there will be a hotel, and that at least one zebra will appear. How will the zebra appear? I don't know. Will room service be a vital part of the end plot? Perhaps, if room service includes complimentary greenhouse facilities and optional pickaxe sharpening. What this really needs is a strong resurgence in good and solid randomness to sluice freshness into the piece as a whole. Yes, it needs a well fell of badgers, a magic bag which only provides spaghetti, a talking cloud called Lenny and a man who enters the story only to say 'Yankees took my horse' in response to every question. That's what it needs.

So, randomness must be fostered, and to do that one must be random or pseudo-random. Just let the words flow, like honey down the sides of Mount Everest. I wonder, in a digression, just how much honey would be needed to coat Everest. It would vary from type to type, but it's an interesting question nonetheless. Could Everest even be coated, or would the upper reaches be long free of the sticky stuff before it reached the base? Would honey even coat snow to begin with? Good grief! This is a nonsensical question! It's fortunate that the interdimensional rift is open at the summit at the moment, for otherwise we would surely find out, as well as discovering the results of the next three US presidential elections and the reason why film studio executives are bred in special facilities deep at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

Did you know that the Great Pyramid was actually a mistake, and that it was actually designed to be a pyramidal pen for training camels? No? Of course, once the engineers went ahead with the badly scaled plans they had no choice but to carry on as best they could, filling it in and converting it into a ludicrous giant tomb and star signal, which every subsequent pharaoh would deludedly try to replicate. The camel training went away, sadly, and hence to this day the brutes remain as sullen and vexing as ever. Oh, camels, if you only only had a single designer instead of a committee. (For those not in the know, search for 'camels designed committee' and see what you find.) Also, the Great Pyramid was originally purple in honour of Mad Pharaoh Sploosh, but no-one ever seems to believe this fact.

The gloom is settling in, the turtle doves somewhere are dozing happily, and somewhere cubes are dropping from the sky into a bucket of apples. Somewhere that must be true, statistically. It may not be on Earth, or even in this galaxy, but if the Universe is infinite or approaching infinite size then everything possible happens somewhere. Yes, there are square circles (look it up) being used somewhere, giant green albatrosses being used as hang gliders, and freak trampoline offices where no work gets done unless the inhabitant is locked in staggering vertical oscillations. Yes, trampoline offices! Take that, world! Surreal success!

Maybe the zebra should be playing chess? Or even playing cheese? I wonder how long you can play a cheese before it disintegrates, and whether Dutch cheeses have a sweeter tone? And does it make a difference if it's a zebra doing the playing? Do ostriches allow greater or shorter cheese spans and frequencies? Someone should research this for the good of science.

O.

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