The (Grant) Proposal

The blank prospect of the grant proposal is mocking me. I can feel it, deep in an automated web server, being creepy. How dare these things sit there, projecting creepiness on to the innocent researchers of the world?! Well, I'm reasonable sure there is at least one innocent researcher in the world, if haven't yet deserted to do something more worthwhile, like shelling peanuts or throwing three sheets into the wind. I wonder what the origin of that last saying is, anyway?

<pauses for thought, and research>

According to Wiktionary, which surely can never be wrong, 'three sheets to the wind' refers to the rocky and unsteady behaviour of a ship or boat that can result from having several 'sheets' loose and not controlling the sails properly. In the nautical context, a 'sheet' was a rope that controlled the trim of a sail. Obviously, the saying was going to be related to sailing somehow, but 'sheets' was a very misleading word. The saying is also a euphemism for being drunk, though, so I wouldn't have used it if my knowledge were more extensive.

The blank prospect, the empty page. All potential awaits, if you but have the courage to slap it onto the paper with grave abandon. In this instance, however, all the interesting words will have to removed until the end result is sufficiently bland, and then magic keywords sprinkled throughout so that it triggers the appropriate currency symbols in the readers' minds. Yes, they must think about the money the work might bring in, or reputation, or biscuit subsidies. The triggers must be artfully placed in sight, and blatantly, if this writer can bear to do that. Blast you, you proposal, why can't you be as easy as unlocking the DVD player? Why? Having said that, the DVD unlocking was rather involved...

Oh, the proposal will be written, and written wonderfully. Modesty will be thrown away, and the shovel of fate driven through the snow of success until it collides with the boulder of reality. In the meantime, pristine copies of 'Jamaica Inn' and 'Armadale' await their turns in the reading rotation. Let the effort begin once again.

O.