Two Excerpts

In the wake of our beloved family pet, Tess the Old English sheepdog, giving us a serious scare over the weekend with a mild stroke, let's instead focus on something much more idiotic. Have you ever wondered how I teach English? Normally, it's a combination of reading, punctuation and handwriting, but sometimes we have a writing challenge. I present two of my own efforts from today's writing challenge. I would present the student's too, but they get to keep them unless there's a mass of marking to do. She had an evil secret-blabbing, greenhouse-smashing flamingo. Ha ha!

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"The Flamingo Did It"

The flamingo looked me in the eye, coldly. It knew one of us would break soon. One of us would have to look away. She looked tough, like a bird from the wrong side of town. It was either her or me. A car horn tooted and I flinched. A plane flew overhead and the flamingo bobbed her head calmly. Then it happened! A flamingo movie star was wheeled on on a gilded cart, and the game was over. The flamingo did it. She looked away. I won the prize and flew away, the pigeon supreme.

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"When I Ate A Grape"


I had never eaten a grape. My aunt had always told me they were bad for you, and left by aliens as traps for innocent minds. My grandmother backed her up at the time, recounting stories of her cousin Angus and a strange encounter he had had with a grape while fighting fires in Huddersfield. For thirty-two years I had never touched those lovely tiny fruits, nor the wines they made, until that day in Mimi's House Of Pancakes. My friends Larry and Clara had already ordered, as I was late, and when I arrived the pancakes were ready, waiting, and steaming. They had grape jam fillings. Clara smiled innocently and offered me her olive pancakes instead. I hated olives! There was no choice. I closed my eyes, thought about Angus and that inexplicable woolly mammoth, and ate the pancake. Two days later, I woke up in Bratislava, confused. My aunt had been right!

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On the bright side, Tess is now unsteadily stumbling around and beginning to bark more. She'll always have a lop-sided look now, but it could have been far worse. If only she would eat!

O.