The First Rule of Splatting

The first rule of splatting is to not panic until the end, when the splat has almost reached you. This rule is always applied, irrespective of which of the two distinct modes of splatting are approaching or being approached. These two modes are comedic and terminal splatting. We shall omit terminal splatting from the remainder of this text due to the immense amount of custard required. You can identify terminal splatting by the fact that you will normally be approaching the splat rather than vice versa.

Comedic splats can be said, with some generality but not universality, to come to you their own accord. The most vigorous of comedy splats are often associated with Mondays but not always. The second rule of splatting is to always expect the worst of splats when you're least able to defend yourself. Pierre Dupont, an otherwise unnotable Parisian suffered the severest comedic splatting of his career in early May of 1956, on returning from a conference on the croissant and its importance to French morale. While walking alongside the Seine he was splatted with a custard eclair by some rowdy philosophy professors and was forced into extensive therapy for the next thirteen years. Upon his release he was known to eschew custard for ice cream thereafter. It was a sad and ignominious end for that former lover of the splatty yellow goo.

Returning to the rules of splatting, it has often been said (or never at all) that the third rule is no longer current and should be officially termed obsolete. Since it reads 'You may only splat when the tablets command it', many people agree with this notion while others declare it ironic and a metaphorical reference to the dopey things people do while medicated. The author wishes to refrain from further comment. The second, fourth and fifth rules are now very often relegated to incidents on trains involving tea and marshmallows but the last principal rule is as prescient now as it has ever been. The sixth rule is very clear and succinct: 'Splat not when life splats upon you; splat when the splat is the right thing to do.'

How can anything top that?